i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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