I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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