Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
