I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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