I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
