I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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