Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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