Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The air taste purple.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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