you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
