my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
