I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize