I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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