I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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