I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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