My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
as a side note pls kill me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
