Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
