Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
