I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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