woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
