I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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