I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
