there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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