Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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