it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
