you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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