my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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