Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
