The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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