I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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