Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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