I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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