The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We are two peas in an std pod
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.