I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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