i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
