is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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