i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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