Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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