i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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