in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
