he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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