I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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