No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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