Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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