The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
