The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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