Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
