goodnight i made you a song goodbye
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
