I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
