just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
3pm strippers are depressing
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
