someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
