i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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