your parents love me but you hate me
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
