Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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