Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
