1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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