i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
