My friends, they love my intelligence
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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