1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
